Hubby got home from SERE training not too long ago. It's one of those trainings that I don't get to know anything about except for the general public knowledge and perhaps a few more things that he's allowed to tell me. However a training that is called "Survive, Evade, Resist and Escape" doesn't exactly call out to me to know the details anyway.
Mainly this post isn't about what Hubs was doing as much as how I reacted while he was gone.
Let's get one thing straight right now. I have never been through a deployment. I somehow feel I can't really call myself an army wife until I do. I have plenty of friends that have experienced that, but since my husband is still in training, he hasn't been called away. Yet. While we were engaged he left for 3 weeks for LDAC (Leadership Development and Assessment Course). We couldn't really call each other, but I could write him letters and that helped. Actually he could call me for the first few days and for the last week. I wrote him a couple times and since I was planning a wedding, working full time and performing in a show at night, I was very busy. Plus, since we believe in not living together before marriage, I didn't know what it really felt like to have him gone.
Fast forward to a year or so later.......and he leaves again. This time I am not working, performing or planning a wedding and now I DO know what it feels like to be with him 24/7. Having no contact for 3 weeks was incredibly tough. I tried to be productive (read my post of being productive haha), made some photobooks online and edited some home movies, made cards for some friends, paid bills and cleaned and organized. Did A LOT of laundry. Plus I was competing in the Post Talent show and I started school the last week he was gone, so I guess I was busy...
but it was torture.
I'm a little embarrassed at how hard it was sometimes. I mean I knew what I was getting into. It's not like it was any kind of shock for me. I've known since the day I married him that he would have to leave for 3 weeks for this. I've done long distance relationships before (for 2 years), so I really thought I had this under control.
I really had no idea the emptiness and loneliness that I would feel. There were a couple days in particular that I thought there is no way I can do this. I can't be an army wife. I can't have him gone. I just laid in my bed seriously sobbing. My dog came and jumped on the bed (he's normally not allowed) and nearly sat on my heart trying to comfort me. Granted I had had a particularly bad day, but all I could think about was I wasn't going to be immune from bad days when he deploys. Like God was going to say "You know, I know your husband is gone, so I'll just go easy on ya". That's not what this life is all about. It's about growth and how we react in troubling, tough, trying times. However, I kept comparing myself to all the other wives out there that I'm sure handle every deployment and every absence perfectly and without becoming the sniveling mess that I had somehow turned into. I'm a very independent person, so reacting so dramatically seemed out of character for me.
I debated on whether I wanted to share my "weak" moments with the public. It would mean that the "tough" army wife image that I had of myself would become a facade and I would need to face the music. It wasn't until I tested the waters with a friend and she said "oh good I'm not the only one". It made me think back to why I started this blog in the first place. It was to help other woman like myself who are new to everything and feel overwhelmed at times of what is asked of us. To these woman who are new to the army or have been here a long time, just know you have someone who can say "Oh, good I'm not the only one".
