History and Observance of Memorial Day

Like many of you, I grew up not really understanding the true meaning of Memorial Day. I wouldn't fault my parents, more society and what the holiday has come to mean to the average American. With many Veterans in my extended and immediate family, we were taught to respect the military--even before I married an active duty soldier. I, personally, have always gotten very emotional at the thought of someone losing his or her loved one in defense of our nation.  This being said, I can honestly say that I had no clue that Memorial Day was strictly reserved for honoring those who had fallen in the line of duty. I thought it was a day to honor all those who had passed from this life.  Even with that misconception, I am embarrassed to say that Memorial Day usually meant a day for a BBQ, as BBQ's are a pretty big deal in my family,  we know how to BBQ pretty darn well.

Things tend to take on a different meaning when they become more personal. My first step towards a more respectful Memorial Day came when I got to visit ground zero, not even a year after the twin tours had fallen. The love and support sent to those who had lost their lives is unspeakable. As we walked through the wreckage and platforms that had been built and looked over the big empty hole that was so out of place, not one person spoke a word. As strangers, we would meet eyes and exchange a look of complete remorse. There was not one dry eye as we walked away with a new sense of feeling of what it really means to be American. I lived in New York a few years later, and those who had experienced the reality of 9/11 have not forgotten.

Ground Zero

Another step came when I had the opportunity to visit the Normandy Beaches in Northern France when I lived there. The videos and memorials made me sob like a baby. The courage and valor of the men from WWII astound me. The families they left behind were just as strong. Visiting those graves was extremely humbling.  The respect the French people had for these Americans who fought for their freedom made me start to wonder if perhaps America could learn a thing or two about honor and respect.

Normandy Beaches Cemetery

My last step was when I met my husband's family for the first time. We had decided that we would visit his family over Memorial Day weekend for a few reasons. First, he had time off of school and I had time off of work, and second, his entire family gathered in remembrance of their father/husband/grandfather who had passed away over 10 years ago. I watched in reverent silence as we went to the grave site of his father. Each child paid their respects, the grandchildren were told stories and were taught to observe their grandfather's memory. Some tears were shed, but mainly laughter as memories were shared.  I watched as a tragic event pulled this family closer and closer each year. I came to truly understand the benefits of what really honoring someone who has died can be to the living.

This brings us to present day. I am sure your news feeds on Facebook, like mine, have been flooded with pictures and quotes of what Memorial Day is really about. It has made me stop and reflect on what the day means to me. Instead of just posting a quote, I wanted to really understand what it means to observe Memorial Day. I asked my husband if he knew the history of Memorial Day. He said he had recently read an article about a small little town who claimed to have started it all. That got me thinking and I did my own research, online, of course. I stumbled upon this website which some of you may have already found. The history is pretty detailed and seems to be pretty legit. The website talks about how many cities claim to have started this tradition. Other documentation states that women's groups can take the credit because they started the practice of decorating the graves of those who had fallen during the Civil War.  Memorial Day originally was May 5 but was then changed in 1868 to May 30, with New York being the first state to officially recognize it as a holiday in 1873.  By 1890 all of the northern states recognized it as a state holiday. The southern states still chose to honor their dead on another day. It wasn't until after World War I that Memorial Day was a time to remember all those who had died in the line of duty, not just those who had died in the civil war.

Civil War

Today almost all states recognize Memorial Day on the last Monday in May in compliance with the National Holiday Act of 1971 which ensures a three-day weekend for all federal Holidays. Some people believe that this is part of the disintegration of what has now become a holiday of "the start of summer".  To quote the VWF (Veterans of Foreign Wars), "Changing the date merely to create three-day weekends has undermined the very meaning of the day. No doubt, this has contributed greatly to the general public's nonchalant observance of Memorial Day."  There are some who believe strongly the date the should be changed back to May 30, no matter what day it lands on.

After reading and researching so much about Memorial Day, I have now pledged to treat each Memorial Day with the proper observance that it deserves. I do not have a problem with get-togethers and BBQ's.  As I mentioned with my husband's family, I found that the very act of a family BBQ and visiting their loved one's grave was very moving and respectful. However, not everyone has someone specific to remember. In that case I suggest the following things, also taken from the same website.

• Visiting cemeteries and placing flags/flowers or other respectful items by fallen soldiers graves.
• Visiting Memorials ( I personally think Ground Zero would be very appropriate)
• Flying the U.S. Flag half-staff until noon
• Flying the 'POW/MIA Flag' as well (Section 1082 of the 1998 Defense Authorization Act)
• Participating in a "National Moment of Remembrance": at 3 p.m. to pause and think upon the true meaning of the day, and for Taps to be played.
• Renewing a pledge to aid the widows, widowers, and orphans of our fallen dead and to aid the disabled veterans.

I would add a couple more by saying:

• Correctly teach our children and family members what the holiday represents and how to properly observe it.
• Another fun tradition might be doing some of the things they did in the past. At one point, according the same website, women used to wear red poppies in response to Moina Michael's poem:
  

  

  "We cherish too, the Poppy red
  That grows on fields where valor led,
  It seems to signal to the skies
  That blood of heroes never dies." 

• Create a family tradition that you can reasonably continue each year. Even if it just is a family BBQ, while pausing at 3p.m. to think about those that have given the ultimate sacrifice.
• Read stories of those who have lost someone. They can be very touching and uplifting, such as this one
• But most importantly, BE AWARE, not just of your own situation, but those around you. You might find someone who is having to spend Memorial Day alone, and it may be one of the worst days of the year for them.

Whatever you may choose to do for your Memorial Day this year, I hope that you really consider the history and what it really means to observe it, whether you are connected to the military or not. We should all be grateful for those who have been brave enough to go before us and defend our country.

2012

when life becomes real......

I have been an Army wife officially for a few years now, but only active duty for a year. For the most part I haven't really felt any major impact. Life is just life and you deal with each day as you would--no matter what your husband did.  However over the past few weeks a few things have happened and my prospective started to change.

I read a blog post located here: http://jennpineo.wordpress.com/2012/04/28/letter-from-a-military-wife/
In this blog post she speaks about the sacrifices and situations that we, as military spouses, go through.  I must admit, most of the things she mentioned didn't even cross my mind. I never thought of all the sacrifices we give. That is, until recently.

Here is the thing, most of you know that my husband is here at Fort Rucker training to be a helicopter pilot. We have loved our time here so far and my hubby's reaction to flight school is usually " I get paid to fly helicopters...how cool is that?!"

Well the other day he had to do a precautionary landing in someone's backyard durning one of his training flights. While the story is pretty comical (I mean, imagine what your face would look like if you found a helicopter in your backyard) and a precautionary landing is so much different than having to do an emergency landing (it's really not dangerous or alarming at all), I suddenly became aware of the very realistic dangers of my husband's job. I'm not talking about being a pilot, but a solider. I realized that this will not be the last time when my husband has to do something unplanned and more than likely, much more dangerous. I am so grateful, just as I was that day, that he has the training and the knowledge to handle the situations that he might come across.

Another thing that has made me realize the sacrifices given by military families is that we recently found out that I am pregnant. This is our first child and we are very excited. Things haven't been easy, as I have been very very sick. I feel best when I'm lying down...but even then I don't feel great.  My husband has been there for me in every way he can, and I just feel so incredibly blessed to have such an attentive, sweet husband. However his schedule must always come first and some days I see him a total of a few hours.

That being said, I think I could deal with that. In fact I have been. I didn't really think about having to sacrifice until it was time for our first ultra-sound. Maybe to some of you, this wasn't a big deal. But to us, hearing our first baby's heartbeat for the first time was priceless. It is something you don't get a second chance of.  Because of my husband's training, he wasn't able to come to that appointment. Again, the Army came first.

I didn't realize that I felt so strongly about it until I was on my way to the hospital alone. When I mentioned my anxiety to a friend, she offered to go with me.  I was so grateful for her thoughtfulness.  Although I am so super excited to be pregnant,  it's all so new and a little overwhelming. Having my husband is what helps me get through it. When he wasn't there, I felt so alone--my family across the country. I am not looking for a pity party, I'm just understanding my situation under a new light. It was hard to be sitting in the waiting room of the doctor's office without him. While it was hard for me, it was even harder knowing it was difficult for my husband. It was just as difficult for him as it was for me. It was such a bittersweet moment looking at our baby for the first time without my husband. How is that fair?

This makes me think about the future. I knew when I signed up that there would be several tender moments that my husband might miss, but it never really settles until that moment hits you for the first time. Last year my husband almost missed our very first anniversary. He left for SERE training the next morning at 4:00am. We spent our anniversary making sure he was packed and had everything he needed.   This year I wonder what will happen around the birth of our first child. It's possible he'll be done with training, and under normal circumstances we'd be moving on to our next duty station. However, I'll be VERY pregnant--will I be able to travel? Will the Army make my sweet husband move on without me? Will he miss the birth of our sweet baby?

While most people attempt to calm my anxiety, I can't help but think that there are more births, Christmas', anniversaries missed than the Army makes exception for.  Even in my own family, my brother was deployed during the birth of his third child. I remember thinking " oh that must be so hard".

I had no idea.

Here it was in my OWN family, and I had no idea how to identify with my sister-in-law. I remember speaking to her not to long after I got married saying, " I am so sorry I wasn't there for you. I am so sorry I was not there to support you." I don't remember exactly what she said, but it was somewhat to the effect of she just got through it--because that's what you do.

Let me mention again, this is not a pity party. This is not a post to make people feel sorry for me or for other military spouses to say "I've been through worse". And I'm not looking for advice or comfort. I'm sure as heck not looking to hear the words I have come to despise...." Better get used to it", because I won't. I won't ever get used to my husband not being there at events, holidays, anniversaries and birthdays that I know he wants to be at even more desperately than I want him there.

No, this post was just a new reflection on life.  It was just some things that I hadn't realized before, even  if I knew there would be possibilities.

While absolutely nothing has changed in my every day life, I feel I have a new deeper understanding.  I have learned that when things are tough, that is when we learn to depend on each other...the military spouse. Why?

Because we understand. Because we've been there.

My friend who went with me to the hospital, her husband is deployed. She has every right to ask me for support and help--yet there she was offering to be there for me. Another friend of mine who was 8 1/2 months pregnant, with 3 small children just moved to Fort Rucker--her husband gone for a few months, asked for our help to move a couch. Although I was very sick, with my own pregnancy, and I barely get to see my husband as it is, we said "yes".  Another friend took time out of her life to babysit for another wife, so she could get some other things done because her husband was also gone.

If we can't depend on each other in our military life, who can we go to? While our family often wants to be there for us, they are often too far away or don't understand what we are going through.

Each woman in my examples above had every reason to say "no". What makes the Military family so unique is that we all said "yes".  While my new found realizations don't make life any easier, it is comforting to know that I have such amazing woman to lean on.