the life I would have led.....

For those who actually follow this I'm sorry I haven't written in awhile. I was trying to decide what direction I wanted to take this blog. I never seem to think in present day...my thoughts are always 5 years down the road....which is great in some aspects, but in other ways it really sucks. I'm a planner. I have always been a planner. Knew what I wanted and how I was going to get there. I loved having my life completed worked out for the next 3 years or so...leaving a little room to wiggle for those unplanned moments. See I plan for the "un-plannable". I've heard it said a million times, if you want to tell God a joke you tell Him your plan. Yeah, my life seems to work that way...and so it went, I fell in love with a soldier.

I mentioned before that I never intended to end up in any way involved in with the military....more than writing letters of support. That was it. I was and will be forever grateful for their sacrifice, but never thought more about it.  When I married my amazing husband, I was scared but even more excited for the life that was ahead of us. I couldn't wait to move and start our adventure. As I've been here, I've been super busy moving us in (we did the DITY--do-it-yourself move which is totally worth it...I should blog about that) and getting us settled in, that it has definitely felt like a full time job.  However, as the dust settles and the boxes are now pretty much all unpacked, my mind wonders to the life I might have led.

You see I was never that girl that wished and waited and felt her life wasn't complete until she was married type of a girl. I was a career type woman and had my heart set on the very top. I do/did theater. I was living in New York and had just gotten a couple of breakthrough roles...when I decided to give it all up to go on an 18 month service mission for my church (mormon.org). I was asked to serve in Paris, France and I loved it. After I was done, I had plans to move back to New York or London. Perhaps even Los Angeles and a couple other places. I had no intention to move back to Utah, but that is what felt right. I believe that is what God wanted from me. I believe He led me to my soul mate. And while being married is more than I ever thought it would be, it's far from the dreams of a broadway star that I had dreamt of from the time I was a little, little girl. Now we're in Alabama. Alabama is NOT New York or Paris or London in case anyone had any question over that.

It's been interesting to me to speak with other army wives (I'm sure other branches are the same...) and hear almost always the same thing. The biggest sacrifice they gave up was their career. Most don't care about the moving or the unknown, they care most about the life they would have led. One girl was an attorney and is trying to work with JAG here on post, but Army law is different. Another was a elementary teacher and had to leave her classroom and her students mid-year. It was heartbreaking for her, because they didn't understand why she had to just up and leave. Another friend of mine is a physical therapist. The list goes on and on. Military life doesn't really leave many options for working spouses. While I truly believe that a woman can give no greater service than the service she gives in her home, most woman--especially in our day and age--need to feel they are more than just a maid,babysitter,cook and such. I know those are stereo-types, but it's how I started to feel after a month or so of it.

I was just speaking with another friend who has also just married into the military family. She said " but you kind of have an idea of what's going on, I'm still stuck." I'm pretty sure we've all felt that way.  I had stopped by another friend of mine's house last week and it was so clean and put together and cute. She moved in the same time we did. Our house still has our pictures leaning against the walls, when they should be hung up. There are still a few boxes that need to be sorted and file draws that need to be organized. In short, I would not want to have company over anytime soon. It was so easy for me to look at her and compare myself. She seems so put together and on top of it.  That's when I start thinking again....what am I doing here....in Alabama...playing housewife....a role I've only ever been good at on the stage. Or I'll see friends of mine on facebook who are performing on Broadway, winning awards, doing National tours, being cast on TV shows and I think....that could have been me.

So the moral of the story goes like this. Life doesn't go as planned. It never will. God knows us and He knows what is best for us. This life is not always about me---it's about the relationships I make with other people and how that brings me closer to Christ. What exactly are my priorities. My answer to my friend who seemed to think I had things figured out was this: " I don't, I'm learning. It's a jump in the deep end kind of learning...you feel like you are drowning before you get some breathing time. And even then, it can still be hard to swim"--not to mention a long ways from shore.

At the end of the day I'm happy. I have my belief in God that assures me I'm where I need to be, doing what I was meant to be doing. I have a wonderful husband who is sincerely wiling to sacrifice his life in defense of what he believes is right. I have my family who loves me no matter if my name is in lights or not.

Hmmm....seems like this IS the life I want to lead.   Guess I'll finish my packing to go to girls camp with the cute young woman at my church.

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